Why Matthew Johns wife is filthy at him
IT probably sounded like a great idea at the time, but it's fair to say Matthew Johns' vodka smuggling operation didn't go as smoothly as he had hoped.
The idea was simple enough. The execution? Somewhat lacking.
The Newcastle Knights fan favourite was on Monday talked into revealing a rather difficult story from his weekend - and it's left him in the doghouse.
If only Triple M breakfast co-host Emma Freedman hadn't thrown him under the bus.
"We were telling some fun stories, some which can't be broadcast here, but one story I'm going to urge you to tell is something that happened to you on Friday night because, oh god, you know that Trish can get dirty on Matthew," Freedman said, referring to Johns' wife Trish.
"Well she was filthy on Saturday. What did you do to upset your wife so much?"
Speaking on Triple M's Grill Team, Johns recited the full story of his not so successful effort to keep himself entertained during a church service to celebrate his 17-year-old son Cooper's graduation.
His answer to his dilemma was simple enough - smuggling vodka into mass. Hard to believe this masterplan didn't succeed.
To his credit, though, he didn't hide away from his misadventure.
"This is a tough story to tell because I fear that I'm painting myself in a certain light here," Johns said.
"So, it was Cooper's graduation. There was a big graduation ceremony during the day and that night (Friday) at five o'clock was the mass.
"I'm not a fan of mass. Going to St Patrick's at Cessnock and then going to Marist Brothers in Maitland, I was subjected to 15-18 years of going to church. I just don't get anything out of it and I just don't enjoy it. I really don't.
"So, Trish says, 'We're going to mass' and I'm like, 'bloody hell, OK. No worries'. At the time when she rung me and asked where are you, I said I was down at the Collaroy Beach ex-services (club). She said get yourself home, you've got to get your suit on, we've got to go to mass.
"I wanted to go for him (Cooper), but I was wondering, 'How am I going to get through the ceremony?' So I got a couple little bottles of vodka. You know the old Crystal Heads - and they were invented for that reason."
Johns had previously been told by the co-founder of Crystal Head Vodka and Hollywood star Dan Aykroyd that he designed the small bottles to allow customers to hide vodka in their pockets.
Aykroyd has previously said the inspiration for the bottle design came from his friendship with Rolling Stones rock icon Keith Richards, who liked to carry hidden bottles of vodka with him.
"So, I turned up at the church, and I had two (bottles) there, and I was thinking to myself I'll have the first one before I'm about to go in," Johns continued.
"So I went into the toilet, I went whooshka, booshka and put it away. Then I walked in and sat next to Trish and I said here we go. And I said to her: 'What about the boy, hey? Gee, time goes quick'. And she goes, 'You smell like you've just skolled vodka'.
"And I said, 'That's ridiculous'. Then she reaches in and touches my pocket and she strikes gold.
"She goes, 'Mate, I am filthy'. So I am thinking to myself, 'Oh no'.
"Trish had to get up and do the offering, the procession where they take the bread and the wine down the church. So as Trish was walking down the church I slipped out for the second (bottle).
"I ran to the toilet and I ran back to try to beat her back (to the pew). Whooshka, it was gone, but she beat me back. She said, 'You are absolutely, just a …'.
"And I said 'I know, I absolutely agree with you'. But I tell you what, it was the best ceremony I've ever been too and I did get a lot out of it."
There's never a dull moment in rugby league.