Strange Politics: Abbott elected leader of Dumb Luck Club
"GENTLEMEN, welcome one and all. I hereby declare this meeting of the Dumb Luck Club open."
A leathery Bavarian fellow, old as time itself, swung his gavel with the efficiency of a clockmaker in three meticulous clunks.
"It has been a year since our last summit and we have gone from strength to strength," he rasped.
"We have some new faces around the table, so let me introduce myself."
Franz Richter was considered a boy genius for a time.
The fresh-faced aeronautical engineer had been the pride of the Luftwaffe until one silly gaffe saw him fall from grace.
He filled it at the wrong bowser, that's all.
Who knew hydrogen was so flammable?
It took decades after the Hindenburg disaster for Richter to finally catch a break, but after migrating to the US in 1987 (with some wholesome passport trickery) everything changed.
"I'm now coming to 30 years running the most successful party balloon business on the Eastern Seaboard," he boasted, buffing his monocle between thumb and gnarled forefinger.
"I just sort of fell on mein feet, I suppose."
Dumb luck indeed.
They took turns sharing their stories, each more serendipitously absurd than the previous.
The manager of the Chernobyl nuclear power plant was now CEO of the planet's foremost microwave manufacturer, with so much money he had amassed the world's third-largest collection of Faberge eggs because he "really liked eggs".
There was Fergus Listlawder, the absent-minded dolt who magnetically erased NASA's original moon landing footage by accident.*
The 1990s had been especially kind to his video store empire, but with the rise of the download he had to think on his flat feet.
Fergus stuck with what he knew.
"Personalised calendars what stick to your fridge, that's where my real fortune was made," he guffawed, slack jaw swinging like a pendulum.
Then a soft-spoken chap in a snazzy red polo shirt introduced himself as Tiger Woods.
"I had to come to terms with my golf game being kaput," he said.
"I was devastated. But you know what? Things have worked out.
"I have a sweet gig as a marriage counsellor and it's more rewarding than swinging a club ever was."
Amid this panel of men so poorly suited to their professions, up stood an Australian with the menacing glint of a boxer in his eye.
Hush descended as he gulped the room's stale air.
"I'm Tony Abbott, and I once used the term 'suppository of wisdom' in a prime ministerial speech," he flashed his teeth.
"Now I'm an international public speaker, charging $40,000 a pop."
Blood drained from every face in the room until Franz Richter regained composure and fumbled to his feet.
"Gentlemen. We have a new president."
STRANGE POLITICS IS A SATIRE COLUMN
* This actually happened. NASA admitted in 2009 they had no original recordings of the moon landing broadcast because someone mistakenly erased the tapes so they could be reused to save money.