Boudoir groans not what you think

THERE'S been a lot of groaning in our bedroom lately.

When I happened to mention it to my long-time doona partner (who, after all my prayers, still isn't Johnny Depp) I was given a triumphant grin.

Granted, it's quite handy what hubby has managed to pick up from watching the SBS saucy movie of the week but as much as he would like to claim responsibility for initiating all the noise in our bedroom, I know the real culprit.

And let's just say when your mattress is making more noise in the boudoir than you, it's time to go shopping.

It was probably about 12 months ago when our mattress first developed the noise. To be truthful, it was almost five months before I realised it was the mattress and not hubby. It's surprising what you can leave unquestioned after years of marriage, a shared Visa card and two children.

I happily subscribe to the philosophy, "If it makes noise and it's not supposed to - ignore it". It's a perfectly logical line of thought that can apply to anything.

Take the family car.

If it starts to make a noise and you ignore it, you will easily get another incident-free 20,000km. But once you question that squeak, there's no going back.

Before you know it the car is up on blocks, the mechanic is reading it the last rites and you're negotiating a second mortgage.

Sure, deep down I'd known for some time our trusty old mattress was nearing the end of its tour of duty, but I chose to be philosophical and ignore it. That was until the other week when my youngest wanted to know the reason for all the squeaking in the middle of the night. I had only two choices, come clean about the whole after-dark SBS thing or buy a new mattress.

So, there we were in a bedding shop (which shall remain nameless for reasons that will soon become clear) when the assistant invited us to "test drive" the mattress.

Excuse me? Test drive a bed? Was he serious? A dress I take into the fitting room and tightly close the curtain around me before daring to try it on. And this assistant wanted me to try out a bed - in the middle of the store?

I was just about to give him my "I'm-not-that-kind-of-a-girl" speech when he read my expression and explained what he meant by "test drive".

Apparently you can't really tell if a bed is right for you by just sitting on it. You need to assume your favoured sleeping position. Well now they were talking - bring on Johnny Depp.

But back to reality. The assistant encouraged us to lie down on the bed. Well what can I say, I'm a natural Sleeping Beauty and so I elegantly draped myself on the edge of the bed.

Hubby needed time to get into character. He had to hug the pillow, hog the doona and yell at the neighbour's dog before he could get comfortable.

After the initial nerves we were like a couple of Paris Hiltons, jumping from bed to bed and trying them all out. Too hard, too soft, too bouncy, too pricy.

We finally found one that was just right. My side was sinking soft and hubby's side was as taut as a trampoline. On the downside it has to be ordered and would be a six week wait.

So, if you happen to be talking to my youngest and she announces we have "mice that go squeak in the night" please don't question her. Take the high road, be philosophical and ignore her.

Family Taming is a weekly humour column written by Wendy Andrews.

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