How racy did things get? Abbie got bedhead.
How racy did things get? Abbie got bedhead. Channel 10

Secret TV hook-up traumatises Australia

"Modern day torture" has been thrust on Australia, with traumatising scenes playing out on The Bachelor that graphically showed several excruciating attempts at sexiness and a salacious hook-up that secretly played out in a dark backyard.

Even now, we can hear the heavy panting. When will the panting stop?

The scandalisation begins when all the girls are set a challenge: go to a warehouse, put on a racy costume and turn-on Matt by writhing around in front of him while a random photographer takes photos. I'm not too familiar with the internet, but it seems like the kind of thing some people might pay to watch.

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But before the debauchery, we're forced to watch Monique's date. To be honest, we don't know what has been organised for the date but we all hope it involves shopping for better outfits.

Change immediately.
Change immediately.

They keep screaming about "pulling Gs!" and none of us are on the same page with what exactly that means, but I'm convinced it's illegal.

After we all come down from pulling G, we're hit with another twist in the complicated mystery of Matt's career.

The heavily-spruiked astrophysicist has been pummelled by allegations this week he's really just a data analyst or a bank teller at Westpac or a checkout chick at Woolworths or something (I don't know, I didn't read the story properly). He doubled down and insisted he's a real astrophysicist but on this date with Monique he reveals he has worked at the mines and was an engineer.

So, which one is it, Matt? Are you a FIFO truck driver in the Pilbara who works the registers at Woolworths in the off-season and pilots spaceships in his spare time? I just feel like I can't trust reality television anymore.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: The Bachelor episode 3

We're already infuriated at the web of lies and deceit Matt has spun, and then he goes and says this about Monique's mining job.

"It can be really tough work for a woman," he sighs. Ugh, he's basically Mike from MAFS. Who are we really dealing with?

But Monique isn't fussed.

"I'm literally melting on my chair," she squelches.

Welp, the couch is ruined.
Welp, the couch is ruined.

The following day, we doll ourselves up and head to everyone's favourite annual funeral group date.

There’s a casket filled with cheese.
There’s a casket filled with cheese.

Obviously, the wake is lit.

Get it, Mary.
Get it, Mary.

This is Channel 10's way of competing with what Married At First Sight served up. MAFS had a graphic affair, a C-word scandal and mild nudity. We lapped it up and then pretended to get all up in arms but that's just what we do - we're thirsty for drama.

So what do Ten come to the party with? They get Mary to undo a button and then Sogand lingers uncomfortably close to Matt's face for a really long time.

It's meant to be sexy but it doesn't have the desired effect.

"It was modern day torture. It was painful to watch. It was all sorts of torture. I felt so uncomfortable watching and I would be happy to never seeing that again," that blonde chick with the lips says.

Abbie is watching the sexiness (?) unfold and she pledges to one-up the awkward raciness.

"I can give Matt a happy ending," she proudly informs us. Welp, another couch is about to be ruined tonight.

Do they make Glen 20 for eyeballs?
Do they make Glen 20 for eyeballs?

Abbie falls to her knees, bites her lip and looks up at Matt. She sighs and flicks her eyes away for just a second before staring back up at him.

The writhing goes on for 10 minutes while the photographer takes rapid-fire photos. It's steamy and racy and Abbie completely wrecks her salon-styled hair. That's the real takeaway from this mess tonight - to impress a guy, you've got to ruin your blowout. Nah fanks.

Find a guy who doesn’t ruin your professional salon styling.
Find a guy who doesn’t ruin your professional salon styling.

Channel 10 decides to break it up, only because they realise they can probably charge people to watch this footage on the internet.

But Matt and Abbie aren't done and just a few hours later they're back at it in the garden at the cocktail party. Abbie promises the girls she won't kiss Matt but promises are for losers and she promptly goes for it.

"Oh, this is just unacceptable," we huff, placing our tacky red champagne glass down on the patio table before marching off to find a hose.

"Matt's a naughty boy," we hear Abbie sigh.

This dame is obviously traumatised and probably needs therapy.
This dame is obviously traumatised and probably needs therapy.

The backyard grinding becomes so intense that Matt's prop glasses fog up. When Abbie returns to the other girls, she respects their feelings.

"WE KISSED AND THEN WE KISSED AND WE KISSED MORE BUT THEN WE ALSO KISSED," she politely shares.

But just before all the other girls are about to cut sick on Abbie, producers sound the alarm and usher everyone into the rose ceremony.

The tension is palpable. Everyone's insulted at what Matt and Abbie have done.

Except this lady, who is simply traumatised and will never recover. She has seen things no one ever should have.

It us.
It us.

For more observations on pulling Gs and caskets full of cheese, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir


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