Napalm's ruled out in the war on weeds

A storm is a brewing over some unwelcome growth in the backyard.
A storm is a brewing over some unwelcome growth in the backyard. John Towells

FOLKS, it doesn't rain much over Bray Manor, so when the heavens finally opened up I immediately whipped outside and did a little rain dance of gratitude on the footpath, which may explain why real estate values at our end of the street have plummeted like a stunned eagle.

But, for the first time in ages my mower is happily hacking down actual grass instead of spraying dust, rocks, dog poo and kids' toys all over the yard.

Now all I have to do is get rid of the truckload of weeds which have appeared from out of nowhere like unwanted relatives at a will reading.

Traditionally I napalm any unwanted vegetation with a popular weedkiller, but according to my hippy mate I might as well be spraying radioactive waste directly into my own mouth. Well, I did some research and grudgingly admitted he may have a point; but I'm still not buying into his theory regarding fluoride and UFOs.

Anyway, I checked out his recipe for a "natural” herbicide and while all the products were fairly harmless on their own, e.g. vinegar, washing up liquid and salt, when combined in large quantities they made a chemical cocktail that was probably just as bad for the environment as any industrial herbicide. And, after another hour of research, I was convinced that a garden path full of weeds was probably the least of my problems.

Wet weather means getting the gardening gloves out.
Wet weather means getting the gardening gloves out. Mike Knott BUN150115WET1

Basically, I decided that the safest method of killing weeds was more hands-on, i.e. pull them out, or cover them up with a plastic sheet and wait. But a third option was to pour boiling hot water directly onto them while chortling "death from above!”

So I singled out some pavers and sprayed hot water on to the weeds growing between the cracks. The result? Well, I was immediately swarmed by angry ants. The weeds did die a quick and I'd say fairly painful death, but now I'm left wondering if burning coal to boil hot water is as bad for the environment as spraying chemical weedkillers.

Honestly, I wouldn't be in this dilemma if it hadn't rained.

Greg Bray blogs at Find him on Facebook: Greg Bray - Writer

Topics:  funny gardening greg bray humour writer

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