Drunk wife’s car-crash cheating spree
IN AN extraordinary double blow, a drunk Married At First Sight wife has been rejected after propositioning a married man and then frantically hit on another husband with a mortifying pick-up line.
The words "cheating spree" come to mind while watching the car-crash scenes unfold at Wednesday night's boozy dinner party. But, like most things in life, everything comes down to interpretation.
Jessika doesn't see her relentlessly sloppy advances as cheating. She says it's merely "experiencing other husbands".
I yell a similar thing at David Jones security guards who run after me to my car when I leave the store without paying.
"I'm just experiencing these sandals!" I scream as they tackle me to the ground.
We're also gifted with a new catchphrase tonight.
The phrase "I'm not about it" is said about 36 times by the wife of one of the men Jessika hits on. I'm not entirely sure what she's "not about" exactly but I have a feeling she just learnt the saying from a Wiz Khalifa song and she just can't stop repeating it.
What does it mean to not be about something? Let's run through some examples.
Mum's who act like they're in a Zoot review commercial and begin every conversation with, "As a mum"? We're not about it.
But driving your car over roundabouts instead of around them? We're totally about that. It's a baller move.
Attempting to seduce someone's husband when their wife is literally sitting next to them? This is a tricky one. And tonight, Tamara makes it clear she is definitely not about it.
Jessika is super unhappy with her husband Mick and she's pulled right back from him. She doesn't even want to kiss him.
"He kissed me with egg on his face the other day," she cringes. Ugh, what a princess, turning her nose up at egg breath.
Meanwhile, producers keep trying to make us care about Mel and Dino but honestly we're just not interested.
"While I was in bed last night I overheard Melissa saying some unkind things about me to her sister in a phone conversation," he tells us.
Oh Melissa. Amateur hour. Everyone knows if you're going to bitch about your partner, you have to do a full security sweep of the house - including checking cupboards and under the bed - to ensure they are not present. And if you still feel unsure, you relocate to the car. The car's is a fantastic place to secretly bitch.
"She said my vows were a joke and that she's carrying us as a couple," he whines. Again, we don't really care about them, but the only thing Dino has offered to this marriage is a smelly yoga mat and a couple of meditation podcast recommendations.
He confronts Melissa and she does that thing you do where your partner busts you on something so you cry hysterically and yell, "You're attacking me!"
We continue to not really care about Mel and Dino until it's revealed he secretly recorded Mel's bitching conversation. Now we're slightly more interested. A secret tape is something we can get excited about.
Dino doesn't get what the issue is. He only recorded her so that he could play it back should she deny it.
It's actually genius. We all wish we could do this to a partner when they back out of something they previously agreed to.
"OK Google, roll the tape!" we would scream, and Google Home would play the archived audio.
"What you did was sneaky! Calculating! I have no trust for you! I feel sick," Mel cries.
While we appreciate Mel and Dino trying to be more interesting, we leave mid-argument to go crimp our hair for tonight's dinner party.
When we arrive, Martha is in the middle of telling all the girls that Nic rubbed Jessika's leg under the table and she's honestly begging Cyrell to throw another fruit bowl at her head.
"He was rubbing her leg. Rubbing. It's sly," she purrs.
Even though Jessika told us that absolutely did not happen, she sits alongside Martha and lets her tell everyone the fake story because she likes the attention.
"And then she acted like a Rottweiler and trashed my apartment. We're 30 years old, grow up," Martha adds breathlessly about Cyrell. Yes, Martha Kalifatidis, you are indeed 30-years-old. Please grow up.
It's at this point the warehouse doors swing open and all the new random intruders barge in.
Jessika takes one look at the guy with the bad veneers - Dan, I think it is - and decides she's keen. Like, Ines-begging-Sam-to-eat-her-cupcake keen.
"He's a meal not a snack!" Martha giggles to Jessika. This is a mildly important scene tonight and you should all remember it for later.
Dinner is served, which is basically a fancy way of saying they sit down at the dining table to each drink another carafe of wine. We're seated next to Melissa and have to listen to her hysterically crying about, ugh I don't know, "having her privacy breached" or something silly like that.
"You're just a creep and you're recording me!" she screams at her husband. "You're literally lying!"
Everyone gathers around her and we decide it's an appropriate time to ask if she's gonna eat her bread roll. She demands Dino play the tape.
"Yeah! Play the tapes!" we yell with a mouth full of carbs.
But Dino refuses. What a let down.
Speaking of being secretly recorded, the experts are in the dungeon watching everything play out live on CCTV.
"You know, I think they're not working," John Aiken observes about Dino and Mel. He's just really good at identifying subtle details like that.
Martha and Jessika are down the other end of the table and they're looking for trouble. "Do you like Dan?" Martha asks Jessika.
"No, no. I'm not interested. I'm interested in Nic," Jessika whispers.
"I am sexually attracted to Nic," she beams to us.
Jessika's level of inebriation is rapidly increasing so Martha decides to do what any best friend would: She encourages Jessika to drag Nic away and hit on him while their spouses are just metres away.
"If you feel a vibe with Nic, I'm big on vibes," Martha says. And we get it. Everyone's big on different things. Some people are big on vibes. Other people are big on not having their husbands stolen behind their backs.
"Are you happy with Cyrell?" Jessika slurs to Nic. "My relationship isn't going very well at the moment. I just wanted to see how you're feeling because, along the way, I have developed some feelings towards you."
Nic's like "um, sorry, are you hitting on me" and she's like "I am not hitting on you!" and we're all like "lady, you are hitting on him".
Nic rejects her. She's so drunk and the situation is so humiliating she actually starts laughing.
"Look I was definitely surprised by Nic's reaction," she garbles to us while barely standing up straight. "I thought I would get a different one. Yeah, look at the end of the day we are all married here. But we've all come in here looking for love and, if it's not with our respective partner, s I feel like there is the option to experience other husbands. I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with and, honestly, if I have to hurt feelings along the way to get that then so be it, that's what I'll do."
She returns to the table, flushed from the public rejection. And, only minutes after saying she's not keen on Dan With The Veneers, she decides to hit on him too.
She stumbles over and plonks down next to him, attempting to flirt.
"When you came in, I said, 'He isn't a snack, he's a meal!" she splatters.
And this is a complete lie - perhaps the biggest of the series. Jessika did not say this, her mate Martha did. It's a rubbish joke but Jessika has stolen it nonetheless.
Now, Jessika hasn't just stolen a husband. She's also stolen a joke. And that's the biggest crime of all.
"What happens from here?" Dan smiles back.
"I'll get your number," Jessika attempts to purr but it kinda comes out as a burp.
The lady is relentless. She is desperate for attention and validation and she won't stop until she gets it.
Dan's wife Tamara looks at Jessika like Bradley Cooper's wife looked at Lady Gaga when they had sex on that piano at the Oscars.
Tamara is outraged. "I'm not about it. I'm not about it," she repeats while whipping her hair around.
Is she not about Jessika hitting on her husband? Or is she just not about Jessika in general? Or is she not about her husband's lack of reaction? She doesn't specify but it's safe to say she's not about all of it.
"He is super wanting me," Jessika winks at us even though that's factually incorrect.
She begins to undo her lace-up corset top so her boobs are almost busting out. It's messy. And she wants to up the stakes even more. She leans in and tells Dan he's hot. He awkwardly brushes it off and tries to end it. "Ugh, I'm already up myself," he laughs.
This leads to Jessika dropping the most mortifying pick-up line ever slurred on this show.
Now, I don't know a lot about straight guys, but I've gleaned enough to safely say most of them are absolutely not about that.
For more observations about Zoot Review mums and driving over roundabouts, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir