Husband gets nasty on My Kitchen Rules
THIS episode of MKR is brought to you by the letter "B", as the contestants become bakers for bikers to raise some bucks for breast cancer research.
Except for Josh, who's brought to you by the letters "S.O.B".
Today's challenge is to raise the most charity money by getting as many bikers to pay for your baked goods as possible. So go, bake a tart. A baked bikie tart.
As teams scurry towards their labelled baking tents, they try to guess what bikers might like after a long ride. Blokey food? Salted caramel? Cornbread? A haemorrhoid cushion?
It's a hot, windy day but the contestants all pitch in, working in cohesive teams to make things sound like vaguely dirty euphemisms. "Control your patty pans!" shouts Valerie to Courtney as she prepares her sticky date cupcakes, while elsewhere Mell and Cyn gently crimp their pink empanadas.
It's heartwarming and satisfying, especially in this good-cause challenge, to see that not only have the teams really learned how to co-operate, but they seem to be supportive of their rival teams as well, shouting encouragement and applauding each other's creativity.
Except for Josh, who's basically just standing around criticising his wife.
"You wanna really make sure you mix that through", says Josh, leaning against a bench, getting a main/pedi while he watches Amy work.
"No s**t, Sherlock" replies Amy, stirring furiously and showing him the finger next to the one with the wedding ring on it.
"I'm getting a little bit annoyed at Josh" says Amy to camera, reflecting the general sentiment of everyone in the entire world.
Except for Josh, who thinks he's hilarious.
There are some truly delicious-looking morsels starting to take shape just in time for a thousand bikers to return from their ride with fistfuls of money.
Tyson and (the other) Amy, desperate to avoid another sudden death cook-off, make fudgy dark chocolate brownies (not a euphemism) with salted caramel popcorn. Three of the all-girl teams make massive, crunchy, chewy meringues (not a euphemism). Della and Tully balance blueberries on their white chocolate eclairs (not a euphemism), while Betty and David perfect the crumbliest of short pastries to balance atop their beefy pot pies (not a euphemism).
Every single person takes pride and joy both in creating something amazing and in supporting a worthwhile cause.
Except for Josh, who says "We're going to sudden death because of you" to his wife.
"I don't give a f**k, to be frank" responds Amy, ready to slap him right in his doughy chorizo and goat's cheese muffin.
The bikers descend on the culinary carpark, smashing a lot of people's preconceptions by being polite, articulate, and super-fond of a petit four or two. "Nice and easy to get hold of it and get it in ya" quips one gent, marvelling at Brett and Marie's diminutive, bottom-shaped peach biscuits.
It's a delight, is what it is. The generosity, the sea of supportive pink wigs, the camaraderie. The teams are having fun serving, the bikers are having fun eating, the judges are having fun judging, comparing bikers to cowboys, and inspecting the underside of doughnuts.
Absolutely everyone is having the time of their lives.
Except Josh, who's busy saying "That's a sudden death muffin right there, babe. You're kidding me, they are so doughy" to Amy.
Happily, despite Josh being absolutely certain that his wife was going to fail, the judges think Amy's muffins are quite nice (not a euphemism). I tell you what, if there's one thing more fun than watching Josh not being able to cook very well, it's watching Josh be wrong.
It's also fun watching Josh's nemeses, the sweet and colourful Court and Dunk, win dish of the day with their jalapeño cornbread and beef chilli.
Less fun is watching four of the nicest people head to sudden death - Mark and Chris for their burnt bottoms and Caitie and Demi for their clashing caramel.
Everyone else is devastated, realising that whatever the outcome, they'll be losing friends.
Except for Josh, whose strategy for winning is hoping that other people lose.
Because we've been watching this thing long enough that these aren't just stereotypes organised into teams for our entertainment. They're under our skin now. They're our friends. They're our family. We want every single one of them in our living rooms each night.
Except for Josh.
Jo Thornely is a writer who loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely