The embarrassing break-up lie everyone tells
There's nothing more fabulously scandalous then a relationship break-up. Don't pretend when you hear on the grapevine that someone you know has broken up with their partner, you don't want to know ALL the details.
It's shameless but true.
Why did they break up? Was there cheating involved? Who broke up with who?
So, as you can imagine, there's nothing more annoying than finding out that it was "amicable". To which I say "Pffffft!"
You see, there's no such thing as an amicable break-up. There is always one person who still has invested feelings. Trust me, I AM the case study. I've equally broken up with and been dumped numerous times.
Hey, you don't get to 36 as a singleton without an interesting dating backstory.
So, when a friend tells me that their relationship break-up was amicable, I call BS.
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Sure, you can break up and still be friendly towards each other. It doesn't always have to be as dramatic as it looks on Grey's Anatomy, but honestly, how do two people decide at the exact same time that they no longer want to be together? One of them has to have gotten sick of the other one first?
The sting of someone telling you that they don't want to ride off into the sunset with you for a lifetime of happiness is the actual worst. The feeling of rejection can linger for quite a while.
Whenever someone says it was amicable I either assume a) they got dumped and are too horrified to tell you about it, or b) they were the dumpee and are trying to soften the blow by saying it was amicable.
I find there's always that grey couple of months after a break-up where there's a will-they-won't-they get back together pause button. So are they saying it's amicable because they're not 100 per cent committed to the break-up? Hmm … something to ponder on.
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Now don't get me wrong, there are those relationships where you have just well and truly worn each other out. Ah yes, the toxic relationship. I once went out with a farmer who I absolutely and embarrassingly swooned for.
He was rugged, handsome and had a voice as deep as Russell Crowe's. Sigh. We would fight like cat and dog, but lord did I love that man.
We were horribly matched. Both stubborn, both outspoken, it never would have worked. So we dated until we could no longer date anymore. To the outside world it looked like the break-up was amicable because we realised that we just couldn't continue down the path we were going.
But was it amicable? No. I cried over him for weeks, praying that he would stop being so stubborn and we would get back together. Spoiler alert: We didn't.
It was just so much easier and less embarrassing to say it was amicable.
It's like when you take your friend to the pub for a good cry and wine following their break-up. At the start of the conversation they will tell you it was amicable but after a few Savvy B's you will know who was the dumpee and who was the dumper.
Similar to when you first starting dating a guy. He will tell you that his last relationship ended amicably, but a few too many comments about the ex and you'll eventually find out how it really ended.
There's always someone who was willing to give the relationship another crack.
It's like the time I dated an actor fella for a while. He was a handful. Quite the diva, and I thought it was ridiculously fun. Until it wasn't. We broke up because I finally called it quits. I put it in the 'too hard basket' and tapped out. I was the dumpee and told everyone within ear shot that it was amicable, but it was not. It was just too hard.
So next time someone tells you the relationship ended amicably, just prod around a bit. I promise you - the truth will come out eventually. Why? Because there is no such thing as an amicable break-up.
Jana Hocking is a radio producer and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @Janahocking
Originally published as Embarrassing break-up lie everyone tells