The eight best excuses for calling in sick after Straya Day

Suddenly got the urge to chuck a sickie today? No worries! Here are my top Politically Correct Sickie Excuses for the Day After Australia Day that no boss or HR ­honcho will ever question. They wouldn't dare!

1. Dear HR Administrator, as you may have noticed I failed to ­attend work on Friday. This was due to the severe trauma I have ­experienced ever since the election of Donald Trump. My doctor has diagnosed a clear case of PASS (Post-Trumpatic Stress Syndrome), requiring me to spend ­Friday sitting in a dark safe space sobbing uncontrollably to Madonna's Greatest Hits.

2. Dear Sir/Madam, I have always felt a deep affinity with the Traditional Custodians of my suburb, and as such on Thursday morning while others were insensitively attending so-called "Australia Day" celebrations, I headed on down to the Invasion Day ceremony at Birrabirragal to express my solidarity with the First Peoples by partaking in a moving Resistance Ceremony. Needless to say I got carried away by the emotion of the occasion and, picking up a small traditional resistance weapon carved out of native wood, I hurled it straight out to sea in the symbolic direction of the First Fleet, then turned my back on it. Unfortunately, after spinning in a wide arc, the wooden object whacked me on the back of the head, requiring seven stitches and a day in bed.

3. Dear Ms Person, I would like to express my tearful and heartfelt apology for my failure to attend our wonderfully diverse and inclusive workplace on Friday due to the most unfortunate circumstances. During the excitement of the ­annual Australia Day celebrations at our local beach I was overcome by a terrifying sense of being trapped inside the wrong body and felt an irresistible desire to express my gender fluidity by seeking companionship with the young girls in bikinis with whom I have now chosen to so closely identify by joining them under the refreshing, gender neutral waters of the showers in the nearby changing rooms. Although I attempted to explain that my reassignment surgery has yet to kick in, unfortunately the transphobic local authorities insisted on slinging me in the back of their homophobic paddy wagon.

4. To Whom It May Concern, I was unable to attend work on Friday due to an unfortunate incident the day before involving a lamb chop. As I was watching a ­bizarre Lamb commercial on TV a young woman called Poh informed me that I am an illegal boat person. I nearly choked on my chop and had to be rushed to the nearest hospital.

5. To Whom It May Concern, I was unable to attend work on Friday due to an unfortunate incident the day before involving a lamb chop. As I was firing up the barbie coz I'd invited all our diverse multicultural neighbours to a cool Inclusivity Party - just like in that terrific Lamb commercial - some right wing Anglo fascist from across the street offensively ­shouted "Happy Australia Day" at me and my family. I nearly choked on my chop and had to be rushed to the nearest holistic diversity clinic.

6. Dear HR Department, it is with sincere regret that I apologise for my failure to attend work on Friday. Unfortunately, only hours before I had witnessed a heinous crime against the planet, as thousands of fireworks exploded across the night sky releasing untold quantities of deadly carbon emissions into the atmosphere thereby raising sea levels to unimaginable levels. In order to appease the wounded ­spirit of Gaia, I vowed to immediately reduce my own carbon footprint to an absolute zero. Alas, that meant I couldn't drive in to work the next day or catch the bus.

7. Dear Infidel, no I didn't turn up to work yesterday. This is ­because I don't have a job. This is because I can get the dole instead, so why would I bother? I have five mouths to feed, and that's just my wives. Plus I have been oppressed for centuries by imperialist colonialism crusaders in a Zionist patriarchal society which I am now unfortunately going to have to show my frustration with by blowing somebody up.

8. Hey dude, sorry I didn't show up on Friday, but I saw this amazing movie which is so like moving and realistic and it's all about the real world and how people really have to struggle to achieve their dreams and it's like called La La Land which is so ironic but I was like Man! This is Me! This is my Life! Like, why should I go into work? Why don't I just go and do something spontaneous like stay up 'til dawn dancing in the carpark? So I did!

● Rowan Dean's 'Way Beyond Satire' out now www.wilkinsonpublishing.com.au

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