Lifestyle

Carp coy about new rut

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

THE Federal Government has renovated an old leader and sent him overseas to make irrelevant and self-righteous utterings about international issues on behalf of Australia.

Former NSW premier Bob Carp has been appointed Foreign Minister in a reshuffle after leadership wrangling in the ALP.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she did not think it was a problem that Mr Carp was not in the actual parliament, had never been a federal minister and wouldn't stop talking.

"I chose Bob because in bad light he looks a bit like former foreign minister Kevin Rutt," she explained.

"I'm hoping that nobody overseas will notice the difference. To Europeans all Australians look alike."

Mr Carp said he was "deeply humbled and somewhat confused" by the appointment.

"I was on the veranda in my slippers and talking to my faithful pooch Fernando when suddenly I was being surrounded by faceless men and bundled into a jumbo jet," he explained.

"Within minutes the distinctive and fundamentally irritating voice of Julia Gizzard raised me from the slumber and scared the living bejeezers out of me. I don't really know much about Australian foreign policy but, based on what I have seen of my predecessor, if I just swan around looking self-important and wear the funny shirts I will do just fine."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clintock welcomed "the new guy" and thanked "that other guy with the glasses" for his contribution "or whatever it was he did".

Mr Carp said he could not afford to knock back the offer.

"Frankly the NSW Parliamentary pension barely keeps me in Old Spice and don't get me started on the price of bananas," he said.

He said he would seek Mr Rutt's advice on some matters, such as Australia's relations with the Brisbane suburb of Bulimba and the best restaurants in Prague.

The reshuffle followed Mr Rutt's bid for the prime ministership in which he fell well short of the numbers required to take the leadership.

"I have subsequently been advised that I probably should have counted the numbers before I made a right nana of myself in Washington," he said later.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

Topics:  opinion political satire thirsty cow


Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

Shark nets have 'failed', public has been 'misled'

A report into the by-catch of North Coast shark nets has been released today.

Australian Seabird Rescue "disappointed" by first report on by-catch

See turtles up close on rescue centre tour

SPLASH: This green sea turtle, held by Australian Seabird Rescue general manager Kath Southwell, splashed some of the children on a tour of seabird rescue's headquarters.

The turtles don't mind giving the tour groups a splash, too

Teen 'drug king' supported by dad at Lismore court

Flynn Tully Brown, 18, attends Lismore Court charged with 13 counts of supply prohibited drugs.

Byron Bay man teenager is facing 13 drug charges

Local Partners

Why The Walking Dead cast are paid a pittance

Despite massive ratings the cast haven't been shown the money

50 Shades actress on why she hates the film

Dornan and Johnson’s frequent sex scenes were ‘awkward’ to film. Picture: SuppliedSource:Supplied

Jamie Dornan doesn’t blame you for hating 50 Shades

Chris Hemsworth’s X-rated compliment to former co-star

Australian actor Chris Hemsworth poses on the red carpet for the European premiere of the film 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' in London on April 21, 2015.

THOR star once paid former Home and Away actress a lewd compliment.

'I can't keep my mouth shut any longer'

Singer George Michael.

George Michael’s cousin blasts singer’s boyfriend Fadi Fawaz.

Fresh faces: NCIS gets a shake up with new cast members

The new cast of NCIS, from left, Rocky Carroll, Pauley Perrette, Sean Murray, David McCallum, Brian Dietzen, Wilmer Valderrama, Emily Wickersham, Mark Harmon, Duane Henry and Jennifer Esposito.

THREE new characters join naval drama for season 14.

First the Onesie, now an Xbox One S inflatable controller

Fancy an inflatable Xbox One S controller?

Inflatable controller 'perfect sidekick' for Australia Day party

KNIFE-EDGE: The housing tightrope we now face

Even the smallest interest rate rise will be hard for some to handle.

One if five home owners at risk, according to new analysis

Thousands of jobs part of $1b retirement village project

THIS YEAR: An artist impression of the new Aveo retirement village in Springfield.

Aveo Springfield unveiled this month, homes ready by July

Historical home leaves family's hands after 75 years

SALE CONFIRMED: The Gympie Regional   Realty team which sold the Ramsey property are (back) Mel Gastigar, Dorothy Palmer and Margaret Cochrane, with (front) home seller Terri-Jayne Ramsey.

Ramsey family played a huge role in Gympie's growth.

Pat Rafter's $18m Coast home proves hot property

PAT'S PAD: The Sunshine Beach home of tennis ace Pat rafter is on the market for a record price.

"It's a record for our company and for the Sunshine Coast.''

INTERACTIVE MAP: Which Northern Rivers towns boomed in 2016?

BOOM TOWNS: While Ballina properties continued to attract top dollar in 2016, it was areas to the south that experienced price hikes, including Wardell, Evans Head and Woodburn.

Click on our map to find the median sale price in your town

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!